It’s back.\u00a0 The debilitating anxiety has returned.\u00a0 An unsuccessful attempt to lower one of my medications (as recommended by my naturopth) has landed me back in the throws of darkness.\u00a0 Honestly, I had forgotten just how bad it could get.\u00a0 These past few months have been relatively anxiety free.\u00a0 I’ve still been dealing with insomnia, but the anxiety seemed to be contained.<\/p>\n
Nausea.\u00a0 Foggy brain.\u00a0 Tightened chest.\u00a0 Exhaustion.\u00a0 An inner tension screaming from my insides.\u00a0 It’s relentless.\u00a0 It’s frightening.\u00a0 It’s here.\u00a0 I try my best to force myself into the day, going through the motions of being a mother and a wife.\u00a0 I make breakfast, but I’m far away from the messy kitchen and my beloved children.\u00a0 I’m inside my head, saying safe phrases over and over in my mind.\u00a0 Accept.\u00a0 Float.\u00a0 Breathe.\u00a0 In for 4.\u00a0 Hold for 7.\u00a0 Out for <\/i>8.\u00a0 I am calm.\u00a0 I am safe.\u00a0 I am loved.\u00a0 <\/i>The amount of effort it takes just to make it through the next hour is almost too much to bare.<\/p>\n
Panic and doubt gives the evil one easy entrance into my consciousness.\u00a0 You’re back to square one, Laura.\u00a0 Might as well give up this time.\u00a0 You’re never going to get better.<\/i><\/p>\n
I fight back with everything I’ve got…namely the name of Jesus.\u00a0 I say it out loud.\u00a0 I\u00a0 rebuke you, Satan, in the name of Jesus Christ.<\/i>\u00a0 And for precious moments, the voice stays quiet. I meditate.\u00a0 Try to expand the gap between my thoughts.\u00a0 Positive thinking.\u00a0 Bible verses.\u00a0 The Serenity Prayer.\u00a0 Anything to get through.<\/p>\n
Then the what-ifs begin.\u00a0 What if I can’t get the girls to school this week?\u00a0 What if I can’t work and we have to sell our home?\u00a0 What if I feel this way forever?\u00a0 What if I can’t sleep?\u00a0 What if I never get off this damn medicine that’s not even working.\u00a0 Why did I even try to get off it in the first place?\u00a0 Oh, please help my Lord, Jesus.<\/i><\/p>\n
I lay on my bedroom floor and sob for 30 minutes.\u00a0 Then I get up, put in my headphones, and finish dinner.\u00a0 A shell – that’s what I feel like.\u00a0 I’m here, but I’m not.\u00a0 I force myself to breathe and try not to let the negative thoughts take over by going over what I know to be true. \u00a0 I know that Jesus is with me.\u00a0 I know that I am unable to restore myself, but He is fully capable.\u00a0 Jesus is the same today as He was yesterday.\u00a0 Let Him love you, Laura.\u00a0 Listen to His voice.\u00a0 Please be bigger than my fears, Lord.\u00a0 Use this for Your glory.\u00a0\u00a0 Help me not give up.\u00a0 Make a way, Lord.\u00a0 Please.<\/i><\/p>\n
I pick up a book that I’m giving as a gift.\u00a0 I happen to flip to a page where the author is laying in bed preparing for the next day when her baby girl will be born.\u00a0 They know she will not live.\u00a0 The author spells out her life-long struggle with fear.\u00a0 It sounds so familiar.\u00a0 And the Lord tells her to Praise Him.\u00a0 <\/i>Praise him?\u00a0 When she knows the baby in her womb will die tomorrow – may not even take a breath as she enters this world.\u00a0 Praise You, Lord?\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n
I take a deep breath and raise my arms into the air.\u00a0 I will praise you in this storm, Lord.\u00a0 Give me strength to praise you…I surrender.\u00a0 I trust You.\u00a0 I know that I am loved.<\/i> O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water<\/b>.\u00a0 I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.\u00a0 Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.\u00a0 I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands<\/b>.\u00a0 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods.\u00a0 On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.<\/b>\u00a0 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.\u00a0 My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.\u00a0 <\/b>– Psalm 63 1-8 Dear ones.\u00a0 If you should happen to read this, I welcome your prayers.\u00a0 I know nothing is impossible with God.\u00a0 He.\u00a0 Can.\u00a0 Heal.\u00a0 Please let it come quickly!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" It’s back.\u00a0 The debilitating anxiety has returned.\u00a0 An unsuccessful attempt to lower one of my medications (as recommended by my naturopth) has landed me back in the throws of darkness.\u00a0 Honestly, I had forgotten just how bad it could get.\u00a0 These past few months have been relatively anxiety free.\u00a0 I’ve still been dealing with insomnia, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":53637,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"wds_primary_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[11,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-anxiety","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n
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\n<\/i>
\nIt happens again.\u00a0 My Bible lays next to me, open to a random page.\u00a0 But no, it’s never random.\u00a0 It is meant for me.\u00a0 The answer I seek:<\/p>\n
\n<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n