{"id":631,"date":"2015-09-02T17:07:19","date_gmt":"2015-09-02T22:07:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.seekingthestill.com\/?p=631"},"modified":"2020-06-26T11:28:11","modified_gmt":"2020-06-26T16:28:11","slug":"breakdown","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/oldseekingthestill.com\/website_e02ce2c0\/breakdown\/","title":{"rendered":"Breakdown"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"breakdown\"<\/a><\/p>\n

You’ve heard it a hundred times, mostly in relation to a public figure: hospitalized for\u00a0exhaustion. \u00a0<\/em>It sounds much nicer that way, as if all one really needs is a nice vacation at an exotic hotel. \u00a0For my purpose, I am going to\u00a0call it a breakdown because, well, my mind and body literally broke.<\/p>\n

I filled you in last time<\/a>\u00a0about the ways my body was screaming at me to notice something was wrong. \u00a0You guys, our bodies are smart. God designed them to work a certain way and when they stop working as intended, these amazing\u00a0temples warn us. \u00a0In my case, it wasn’t even subtle. \u00a0 I was getting sick every morning, not sleeping at night, and my body was shaking out of my boots. \u00a0With hindsight, I can say two important things: 1) I should have sought help sooner 2) I should have stopped, dropped, and told everyone who\u00a0was counting on me that taking care of myself was more important than any task or expectation. \u00a0My body was telling me that I needed to step back from my commitments for awhile. \u00a0I know this now, after more than a year of counseling, doctors, therapy, and meds. \u00a0For the old Laura, anything short of delivering perfectly and expertly was never\u00a0an option. \u00a0And it just about\u00a0destroyed me.<\/p>\n

I keep writing about this auction thing<\/a>\u00a0and how it was part of my perfect storm<\/a>. \u00a0You might be wondering what all the fuss is about. You can read about how I got involved here<\/a>, but basically it’s being in charge of an event that 350+ people attend with the expectation being that you will raise $80,000-$100,000 over the course of the night. \u00a0And I was in charge. \u00a0Now, I had been in charge of big events before, but nothing on this scale or with such high expectations for the result. \u00a0I told myself I was doing it because I love my children’s school and wanted to do something that mattered, but somehow along the way it became less about the school and more about me. \u00a0In my mind, if the auction failed, I failed. \u00a0And failure to me was anything less than perfection.<\/p>\n

Here’s the craziest thing. You might not believe me, but I had never really failed at anything in my life. \u00a0I mean, sure, sometimes things didn’t go exactly as planned, but I only ever earned\u00a0one B in my life, I received every scholarship I ever applied for, and I was hired for every job I sought out. \u00a0I was smart and pretty with a beautiful home and lovely family. For all intents and purposes, I had it all and expected it all (of myself and everyone else). \u00a0For 37 years, I was completely used to things going my way because if they didn’t, I just worked harder until they did. \u00a0Crazy…I know.<\/p>\n

If you’re smarter than me, you can see where this is going. \u00a0I had built an image and expectation of myself that was impossible to maintain. \u00a0I didn’t know it yet, but I was wearing a beautiful mask that was hiding all kinds of ugliness, shame, and pain. \u00a0And when the mask dropped, I dropped along with it.<\/p>\n

There’s only one word to\u00a0describe how it feels to have an emotional and physical breakdown – hell. \u00a0But the purpose of this blog is to let you see behind the veil, so I’ll try to be as descriptive, honest and transparent as I can.<\/p>\n

This is what happened.<\/p>\n

Saturday, April 5, 2014 was the morning of the school auction, I was supposed to be at the country club early to begin setting up. \u00a0My parents and mother-in-law were in town because Justin had been gone for three weeks and was planning to meet me at the country club, coming directly from the airport. \u00a0I hadn’t slept or been able to eat much in days, and I remember asking my mom to drive me that morning because I knew I couldn’t drive on my own. \u00a0I got to the facility and tried to start getting everything ready, but I couldn’t move. \u00a0The auction co-chair and all these wonderful volunteers were bustling around and all I could do was sit in a chair and stare. \u00a0I looked like hell and I felt like hell. \u00a0My mind was literally racing from one thing to the next…<\/p>\n

What is wrong with me?
\nWhy am I feeling like this?
\nWhat is everyone thinking of me right now?
\nWhy can’t I stop shaking?
\nOMG…I’m going to throw up.
\nI’m losing my mind.
\nHow is everything going to get done?
\nWhat if I can’t even make it to the auction tonight.
\nAnd on and on and on…<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I will address the physiology of anxiety in a post soon, but for now let me just tell you that my mind and body were in such a state of anxiety that I was living one big panic attack. \u00a0The amount of adrenaline coursing through my veins\u00a0had put me in a state of constant fight or flight. \u00a0I couldn’t move, but I felt like my insides were crawling. \u00a0My muscles were so tight, I was like a statue of stone. \u00a0I could not stop the negative thoughts and fear. \u00a0And with every bad thought, my body responded with more adrenaline. \u00a0But, you guys…this was only the beginning. \u00a0My armor had only just begun to crack. \u00a0Justin arrived at the banquet center directly from the \u00a0airport that morning after spending the last three weeks in Brazil, took one look at me and said, What the f*%# happened to my wife…<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You’ve heard it a hundred times, mostly in relation to a public figure: hospitalized for\u00a0exhaustion. \u00a0It sounds much nicer that way, as if all one really needs is a nice vacation at an exotic hotel. \u00a0For my purpose, I am going to\u00a0call it a breakdown because, well, my mind and body literally broke. I filled […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":635,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"wds_primary_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[11,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-631","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-anxiety","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nBreakdown - Seeking The Still with Dr. Laura Fleetwood<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/jfz.xeo.mybluehost.me\/website_e02ce2c0\/breakdown\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Breakdown - Seeking The Still with Dr. Laura Fleetwood\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"You’ve heard it a hundred times, mostly in relation to a public figure: hospitalized for\u00a0exhaustion. \u00a0It sounds much nicer that way, as if all one really needs is a nice vacation at an exotic hotel. \u00a0For my purpose, I am going to\u00a0call it a breakdown because, well, my mind and body literally broke. 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