{"id":715,"date":"2015-10-02T05:00:01","date_gmt":"2015-10-02T10:00:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.seekingthestill.com\/?p=715"},"modified":"2020-06-26T11:26:39","modified_gmt":"2020-06-26T16:26:39","slug":"day-2-the-beginning-of-the-end","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/oldseekingthestill.com\/website_e02ce2c0\/day-2-the-beginning-of-the-end\/","title":{"rendered":"Ashes, Ashes We All Fall Down"},"content":{"rendered":"<h1>I&#8217;m going to tell you about one of my most difficult days.<\/h1>\n<p>One I\u00a0rarely allow myself to revisit without the support of someone with several educational degrees behind their name. \u00a0The memories of this day trigger fear and sadness, still, almost 18 months and a new\u00a0life later. Truthfully, I just want to skip it, but I can&#8217;t. \u00a0It&#8217;s the fulcrum of my story. \u00a0The pivot point. \u00a0The day my armor cracked. The day my kingdom started\u00a0to fall.<\/p>\n<p>I already told you about <a href=\"http:\/\/www.seekingthestill.com\/?p=631\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">the morning of the auction<\/a>, how I was paralyzed and confronted with this new reality in which I could not control my body\u00a0or my mind. \u00a0When\u00a0Justin came to meet\u00a0me that April morning in 2014, I\u00a0\u00a0abandoned my team as they\u00a0put the finishing touches on the venue.\u00a0 Instead of wrapping up the details, I rode home in silence, went to my\u00a0bed and curled in a fetal position, unable to move.<\/p>\n<p><em>I didn&#8217;t know what to do.<\/em> \u00a0<i>I<\/i>\u00a0was shell-shocked. \u00a0Why couldn&#8217;t I move?\u00a0 Why wouldn&#8217;t\u00a0the chaotic thoughts\u00a0in my head stop? \u00a0Why was my body wracked with \u00a0tension? \u00a0When would the waves of fear\u00a0subside? \u00a0I didn&#8217;t yet have the words to describe these feelings as &#8220;anxiety&#8221; or &#8220;panic.&#8221; \u00a0I thought I might be dying. \u00a0I didn&#8217;t understand what was happening. \u00a0My family didn&#8217;t understand what was happening. \u00a0We were all scared, very scared.<\/p>\n<p><i>&#8220;Should I go?&#8221; I begged Justin for answers, and I played out scenarios in my head. \u00a0If I didn&#8217;t attend the auction, I would let everyone down. \u00a0There were 350 people there and $80,000 waiting to be raised. \u00a0But I had already failed, hadn&#8217;t I? \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n<p><i>The auction\u00a0co-leader called me <\/i>just before\u00a0the volunteers began\u00a0arriving at the venue. \u00a0&#8220;I don&#8217;t think I can come,&#8221; I heard myself say. The champagne toast would take place without my words of thanks, the guests would arrive, and I would not be there.<\/p>\n<p>Dad came into my room to ask one final time if I was going. \u00a0<em>I just don&#8217;t think I can. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Here,&#8221; he said. \u00a0&#8220;Your mom bought you a new dress. \u00a0You&#8217;ve planned this evening for months. \u00a0You need to go. \u00a0Your people need you to go. \u00a0Get your ass out of bed and go.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>I stood in the shower, heaving as the waves of nausea overcame me. \u00a0I went through the motions of drying my hair, putting on my make-up, and donning the new dress my mom purchased for me.<\/p>\n<p>I went to the auction that night. \u00a0Somehow I even stood up and spoke to the overflowing room of guests. \u00a0I have no idea what I said, and I have almost no recollection of being there.<\/p>\n<p>An aunt recently told me that she remembers having\u00a0a panic attack at a restaurant, going to the bathroom to calm down, and staring at herself in the mirror. \u00a0She was shocked that the\u00a0pretty\u00a0reflection showed no sign of the internal chaos\u00a0taking place inside.<\/p>\n<p><em>The inside and the outside didn&#8217;t match.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>When I look back at this picture of myself from the night of the auction, that&#8217;s what I think&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><em>The inside and the outside don&#8217;t match. <\/em>I was terrified,\u00a0my life was falling apart\u00a0and there is NO VISIBLE SIGN. \u00a0Do you know the other strange thing? \u00a0I didn&#8217;t cry that day. \u00a0Not once did I shed a tear.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.seekingthestill.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/10633151_770826806296351_5552281499230331061_o.png\"><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-721\" src=\"http:\/\/www.seekingthestill.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/10633151_770826806296351_5552281499230331061_o.png\" alt=\"10633151_770826806296351_5552281499230331061_o\" width=\"600\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/oldseekingthestill.com\/website_e02ce2c0\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/10633151_770826806296351_5552281499230331061_o.png 600w, https:\/\/oldseekingthestill.com\/website_e02ce2c0\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/10633151_770826806296351_5552281499230331061_o-300x200.png 300w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/a>Oh my goodness, dear ones, this lovely girl in the picture was in for a rude awakening. \u00a0A mask this\u00a0strong does\u00a0not come off easily. \u00a0I fought\u00a0it to\u00a0the very end. Thankfully, I have a God who knew it was time. \u00a0It was time for the inside to match the outside again. \u00a0Time to feel, time to mourn, time to be reborn. \u00a0It was time for my kingdom\u00a0to fall. \u00a0It was time to rumble and time to seek the still.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>I made my castle tall<br \/>\nI built up every wall<br \/>\nThis is my kingdom and it needs to fall<br \/>\nI want You and no one else<br \/>\nEmpty me of myself<br \/>\nUntil the only thing that&#8217;s left is<br \/>\nMore of You<br \/>\nLess of me<br \/>\nMake me who I&#8217;m meant to be<\/p>\n<p>&#8211; Colton Dixon, More of You<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.seekingthestill.com\/?page_id=700\"><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"size-thumbnail wp-image-694 alignleft\" src=\"http:\/\/www.seekingthestill.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/31days-150x150.jpg\" alt=\"31days\" width=\"150\" height=\"150\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>This series is not a tidy story of a fairy tale life. \u00a0It is\u00a0messy and truthful. \u00a0For 31 days, I will share pieces\u00a0of my journey, practical coping techniques for dealing with anxiety, spiritual insights,\u00a0emotional struggles, and a whole lot of other. \u00a0I will likely\u00a0\u00a0jump from here to there as the Spirit leads. \u00a0I invite you along\u00a0as\u00a0I share\u00a0my experience, my strength, and my hope.\u00a0Thank you for being part of this journey with me. \u00a0Together, we shall seek the still.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I&#8217;m going to tell you about one of my most difficult days. One I\u00a0rarely allow myself to revisit without the support of someone with several educational degrees behind their name. \u00a0The memories of this day trigger fear and sadness, still, almost 18 months and a new\u00a0life later. Truthfully, I just want to skip it, but [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":721,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"I'm going to tell you about one of my most difficult days - one I\u00a0rarely allow myself to revisit without the support of someone with several educational degrees behind their name. \u00a0The memories of this day trigger fear and sadness, still, almost 18 months and a new\u00a0life later. Truthfully, I just want to skip it, but I can't. \u00a0It's the fulcrum of my story. \u00a0The pivot point. \u00a0The day my armor cracked. The day my kingdom started\u00a0to fall.\r\n\r\nI already told you about <a href=\"http:\/\/www.seekingthestill.com\/?p=631\" target=\"_blank\">the morning of the auction<\/a>, how I was paralyzed and confronted with this new reality in which I could not control my body\u00a0or my mind. \u00a0When\u00a0Justin came to meet\u00a0me that April morning in 2014, I\u00a0\u00a0abandoned my team as they\u00a0put the finishing touches on the venue.\u00a0 Instead of wrapping up the details, I rode home in silence, went to my\u00a0bed and curled in a fetal position, unable to move.\r\n\r\n<em>I didn't know what to do.<\/em> \u00a0<i>I<\/i>\u00a0was shell-shocked. \u00a0Why couldn't I move?\u00a0 Why wouldn't\u00a0the chaotic thoughts\u00a0in my head stop? \u00a0Why was my body wracked with \u00a0tension? \u00a0When would the waves of fear\u00a0subside? \u00a0I didn't yet have the words to describe these feelings as \"anxiety\" or \"panic.\" \u00a0I thought I might be dying. \u00a0I didn't understand what was happening. \u00a0My family didn't understand what was happening. \u00a0We were all scared, very scared.\r\n\r\n<i>\"Should I go?\" I begged Justin for answers, and I played out scenarios in my head. \u00a0If I didn't attend the auction, I would let everyone down. \u00a0There were 350 people there and $80,000 waiting to be raised. \u00a0But I had already failed, hadn't I? \u00a0<\/i>\r\n\r\n<i>The auction\u00a0co-leader called me <\/i>just before\u00a0the volunteers began\u00a0arriving at the venue. \u00a0\"I don't think I can come,\" I heard myself say. The champagne toast would take place without my words of thanks, the guests would arrive, and I would not be there.\r\n\r\nDad came into my room to ask one final time if I was going. \u00a0<em>I just don't think I can. \u00a0<\/em>\r\n\r\n\"Here,\" he said. \u00a0\"Your mom bought you a new dress. \u00a0You've planned this evening for months. \u00a0You need to go. \u00a0Your people need you to go. \u00a0Get your ass out of bed and go.\"\r\n\r\nI stood in the shower, heaving as the waves of nausea overcame me. \u00a0I went through the motions of drying my hair, putting on my make-up, and donning the new dress my mom purchased for me.\r\n\r\nI went to the auction that night. \u00a0Somehow I even stood up and spoke to the overflowing room of guests. \u00a0I have no idea what I said, and I have almost no recollection of being there.\r\n\r\nAn aunt recently told me that she remembers having\u00a0a panic attack at a restaurant, going to the bathroom to calm down, and staring at herself in the mirror. \u00a0She was shocked that the\u00a0pretty\u00a0reflection showed no sign of the internal chaos\u00a0taking place inside.\r\n\r\n<em>The inside and the outside didn't match.<\/em>\r\n\r\nWhen I look back at this picture of myself from the night of the auction, that's what I think...\r\n\r\n<em>The inside and the outside don't match. <\/em>I was terrified,\u00a0my life was falling apart\u00a0and there is NO VISIBLE SIGN. \u00a0Do you know the other strange thing? \u00a0I didn't cry that day. \u00a0Not once did I shed a tear.\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http:\/\/www.seekingthestill.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/10633151_770826806296351_5552281499230331061_o.png\"><img class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-721\" src=\"http:\/\/www.seekingthestill.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/10633151_770826806296351_5552281499230331061_o.png\" alt=\"10633151_770826806296351_5552281499230331061_o\" width=\"600\" height=\"400\" \/><\/a>Oh my goodness, dear ones, this lovely girl in the picture was in for a rude awakening. \u00a0A mask this\u00a0strong does\u00a0not come off easily. \u00a0I fought\u00a0it to\u00a0the very end. Thankfully, I have a God who knew it was time. \u00a0It was time for the inside to match the outside again. \u00a0Time to feel, time to mourn, time to be reborn. \u00a0It was time for my kingdom\u00a0to fall. \u00a0It was time to rumble and time to seek the still.\r\n<blockquote>I made my castle tall\r\nI built up every wall\r\nThis is my kingdom and it needs to fall\r\nI want You and no one else\r\nEmpty me of myself\r\nUntil the only thing that's left is\r\nMore of You\r\nLess of me\r\nMake me who I'm meant to be\r\n\r\n- Colton Dixon, More of You\r\n\r\n<a href=\"http:\/\/www.seekingthestill.com\/?page_id=700\"><img class=\"size-thumbnail wp-image-694 alignleft\" src=\"http:\/\/www.seekingthestill.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/31days-150x150.jpg\" alt=\"31days\" width=\"150\" height=\"150\" \/><\/a>\r\n\r\n\u00a0\r\n\r\nThis series is not a tidy story of a fairy tale life. \u00a0It is\u00a0messy and truthful. \u00a0For 31 days, I will share pieces\u00a0of my journey, practical coping techniques for dealing with anxiety, spiritual insights,\u00a0emotional struggles, and a whole lot of other. \u00a0I will likely\u00a0\u00a0jump from here to there as the Spirit leads. \u00a0I invite you along\u00a0as\u00a0I share\u00a0my experience, my strength, and my hope. \u00a0Please <a href=\"http:\/\/www.seekingthestill.com\/?page_id=700\" target=\"_blank\">check this page<\/a> every day in October for the latest post or <a href=\"http:\/\/www.seekingthestill.com\/?page_id=738\" target=\"_blank\">sign up to receive new posts directly in your inbox<\/a>. \u00a0Thank you for being part of this journey with me. \u00a0Together, we shall seek the still.\r\n\r\n[maxbutton id=\"1\"]<\/blockquote>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"wds_primary_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[11,48],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-715","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-anxiety","category-most-popular"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Ashes, Ashes We All Fall Down - Seeking The Still with Dr. Laura Fleetwood<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/jfz.xeo.mybluehost.me\/website_e02ce2c0\/day-2-the-beginning-of-the-end\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Ashes, Ashes We All Fall Down - Seeking The Still with Dr. Laura Fleetwood\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I&#039;m going to tell you about one of my most difficult days. One I\u00a0rarely allow myself to revisit without the support of someone with several educational degrees behind their name. \u00a0The memories of this day trigger fear and sadness, still, almost 18 months and a new\u00a0life later. Truthfully, I just want to skip it, but [&hellip;]\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/jfz.xeo.mybluehost.me\/website_e02ce2c0\/day-2-the-beginning-of-the-end\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Seeking The Still with Dr. Laura Fleetwood\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/SeekTheStill\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2015-10-02T10:00:01+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2020-06-26T16:26:39+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/jfz.xeo.mybluehost.me\/website_e02ce2c0\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/10633151_770826806296351_5552281499230331061_o.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"600\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"400\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Laura Fleetwood\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Laura Fleetwood\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/jfz.xeo.mybluehost.me\/website_e02ce2c0\/day-2-the-beginning-of-the-end\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/jfz.xeo.mybluehost.me\/website_e02ce2c0\/day-2-the-beginning-of-the-end\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Laura Fleetwood\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/jfz.xeo.mybluehost.me\/website_e02ce2c0\/#\/schema\/person\/6549628b6ee8cba534996cf08ef52472\"},\"headline\":\"Ashes, Ashes We All Fall Down\",\"datePublished\":\"2015-10-02T10:00:01+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2020-06-26T16:26:39+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/jfz.xeo.mybluehost.me\/website_e02ce2c0\/day-2-the-beginning-of-the-end\/\"},\"wordCount\":810,\"commentCount\":7,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/jfz.xeo.mybluehost.me\/website_e02ce2c0\/day-2-the-beginning-of-the-end\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/oldseekingthestill.com\/website_e02ce2c0\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/10633151_770826806296351_5552281499230331061_o.png\",\"articleSection\":[\"Anxiety\",\"Most Popular\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/jfz.xeo.mybluehost.me\/website_e02ce2c0\/day-2-the-beginning-of-the-end\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/jfz.xeo.mybluehost.me\/website_e02ce2c0\/day-2-the-beginning-of-the-end\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/jfz.xeo.mybluehost.me\/website_e02ce2c0\/day-2-the-beginning-of-the-end\/\",\"name\":\"Ashes, Ashes We All Fall Down - 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