{"id":745,"date":"2015-10-03T12:00:43","date_gmt":"2015-10-03T17:00:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.seekingthestill.com\/?p=745"},"modified":"2020-06-26T11:26:37","modified_gmt":"2020-06-26T16:26:37","slug":"how-a-book-gave-me-the-strength-to-share-my-story","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/oldseekingthestill.com\/website_e02ce2c0\/how-a-book-gave-me-the-strength-to-share-my-story\/","title":{"rendered":"Day 3: How A Book Gave Me Strength To Share My Story"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Untitled<\/a><\/p>\n

This post is about the intersection of my life with a book two distinct times, more than five years apart, and a chasm of change between.\u00a0 I believe books choose us.\u00a0 \u00a0I can\u2019t explain in much greater detail that that, other than to say that books seem to show up in my life through various channels and guide me through necessary growth and pain.\u00a0 That being said, I rarely read a book twice as it seems a disappointment to already know how the story ends.\u00a0\u00a0 In this case, it wasn\u2019t the ending that I needed to read again, it was the journey in between.<\/p>\n

I do not specifically recall when I first read Eat, Pray, Love<\/em>, but it was sometime between seeing Elizabeth Gilbert on Oprah and the debut of the movie.\u00a0 I have an unwritten rule to never see a book-based movie without first reading the book, and as a first-born, rule follower this was no exception.\u00a0 In that season of my life, I was a fairly new mom with two little girls and was somewhat desperately attempting to keep my head above water after leaving the corporate world to stay at home while my daughters were young.\u00a0 I was na\u00efve about the demands of motherhood, missing the achievement and drive of being in the workforce, and trying to repress the feeling that I wasn\u2019t doing this right at all.<\/p>\n

I was \u201c in between.\u201d<\/em> \u00a0In between life stages, in between feelings, in between relationships\u2026just in between.\u00a0 And I remember feeling envious of Elizabeth\u2019s story and even a bit skeptical.\u00a0 I mean, she was able to just pick up and visit three countries for three months each?\u00a0 Who gets to do that?\u00a0 Certainly not me stuck at home because we had\u00a0just one family car, not to mention two adorable little girls with separation anxiety.\u00a0 And what about those coincidences <\/em>that kept happening to her?\u00a0 She hears the voice of God on the bathroom floor?\u00a0 I had been a Christian my entire life and never had that honor.\u00a0 She speaks the name of people on her side and miraculously receives a call that her husband finally accepts the divorce?\u00a0 She meets incredible friends everywhere she goes, gets herself off anti-depressants, and meets the love of her life?\u00a0 Yes, I was skeptical and jealous, but I was also inspired and encouraged \u2013 on a surface level, not yet a soul level.\u00a0 The truth was that I had not yet experienced enough suffering in my own life for Elizabeth\u2019s journey to sear a mark on my soul.\u00a0 This book needed to find me again, and it did.<\/p>\n

This next part of the story, I hadn\u2019t written about before this 31 day series.<\/a>\u00a0 I hinted at it for a while here at Seeking The Still.\u00a0 I tried to write it many times, but words wouldn\u2019t come.\u00a0 This is what Eat, Pray, Love<\/em> helped me do the second time around\u2026it finally helped me share my story.<\/p>\n

I am the quintessential first-born of four girls.\u00a0 Highly driven, intelligent, responsible, high achiever, people-pleaser, and perfectionist.\u00a0 The girl with the midas touch.\u00a0 And 18 months ago, at the age of 37, I had a complete emotional and physical breakdown.\u00a0 It was a perfect storm of events.\u00a0 With my girls old enough to be in school, I was working part-time at the church connected to their private school and was also chairing the upcoming school auction \u2013 the biggest fundraiser of the year.\u00a0 My husband was traveling out of the country three weeks at a time, and the stress tightened me like a violin string until I did something I never thought possible.\u00a0 I snapped.\u00a0 Anxiety gripped me like a vice.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t sleep at night, I couldn\u2019t eat during the day.\u00a0 My mind raced with \u201cwhat-ifs\u201d and \u201cwhy me\u201d and \u201cwhat the hell?\u201d<\/p>\n

Finally, after three consecutive nights of no sleep, my husband got me out of bed on sunny morning and drove me to the nearest mental hospital for an evaluation.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want to go, but every psychiatrist I called said it would be at least 4 months before they had a new patient opening.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t have four months.\u00a0 So, I packed my purse, said goodbye to my girls and told them I didn\u2019t know if I would be home that night.\u00a0 I have never been so afraid in my life.\u00a0 People have asked me to describe anxiety to them and there are just no words.\u00a0 It\u2019s like my thoughts and body are betraying me by trying to kill my soul and all I can do is say, \u201cI\u2019m scared, I\u2019m scared, I\u2019m scared.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you afraid of,\u201d they asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know\u2026and everything,\u201d I replied.<\/p>\n

The hospital did not think I was a risk to myself or others, but took one look at me and promptly admitted me to an intensive outpatient program where I participated in group therapy for three\u00a0hours a day, three days a week, for\u00a08\u00a0weeks.\u00a0 This for the girl who had never been in counseling, never seen a psychiatrist, never had an inkling of this kind of pain.\u00a0 I had worn a mask for 37 years, and it was about to be ripped off.\u00a0 This time it would be me crying relentlessly on the bathroom floor begging God to tell me what to do next.<\/p>\n

For the next year, I was in survival mode. I dutifully saw my doctor, sought out a naturopath, went to counseling, and fought medication every step of the way.\u00a0 I tried to control my way out of this mess the same way I had controlled my life from the time I could remember.\u00a0 The more books I read, the more yoga or meditation techniques I tried, the more I resisted and despaired, the deeper and deeper I fell.\u00a0 And then slowly, reluctantly, I did the only thing that truly helps\u00a0anxiety, I gave in.\u00a0 I saw a new doctor and new therapist and did everything they told me, including taking an anti-depressant.\u00a0 Acceptance and healing did not happen instantly the way I wanted it to.\u00a0 It is happening more in patches, like a few sunbeams breaking through the clouds here and there.\u00a0 And in the midst of those patches, Eat, Pray, Love <\/em>found me once again.<\/p>\n

A girl in group therapy suggested that I read it.\u00a0 A friend told me she listens to it on CD in her car.\u00a0 I started following Elizabeth on Facebook and saw the request to share Eat, Pray, Love <\/em>stories.\u00a0 Then I went to my sister\u2019s house the day before summer vacation and Eat, Pray, Love<\/em> was sitting there on her steps, bidding me to pick it up once more.\u00a0 So I did.<\/p>\n

And this is what Eat, Pray, Love<\/em> did this time around.<\/p>\n

It made me feel known.<\/strong>\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t the only strong, successful person to fall into the pit of depression and anxiety.<\/p>\n

It made me believe in my own miracles.<\/strong>\u00a0 Those coincidences<\/em> in the book were validated by my own experiences over the past year when the seemingly impossible became possible.<\/p>\n

It made me appreciate the people in my life<\/strong>.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t have to travel to Italy, India, or Indonesia to meet people who would change my life.\u00a0 They were right there in my family, community, and church.\u00a0 I just had to learn to be vulnerable to receive their love.<\/p>\n

It made me laugh.<\/strong>\u00a0 I saw myself comically reflected in Elizabeth\u2019s story so frequently that it truly was laughable, right down to the blond hair, light skin, and penchant for good pasta.<\/p>\n

It made me hope.<\/strong>\u00a0 I began to wonder what was right around the bend for me, and I dared to believe it would be good.<\/p>\n

It made me trust.<\/strong>\u00a0 I realized that my idea of God was way too small.\u00a0 At the risk of being clich\u00e9, He truly does have the whole world in His hands.<\/p>\n

Most importantly, Eat, Pray, Love <\/em>gave me the confidence to begin writing again.\u00a0 My blogging and journaling had screeched to a halt during this time and through Elizabeth, I realized that it just might be a key to healing, not only for myself but also an instrument that God could use to heal others.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m so thankful for authors like Elizabeth Gilbert who have the strength to share their stories, and this opportunity to finally share mine.\u00a0 Revelation 12:11 says we will \u201covercome by the blood of Lamb and the word of our testimony.\u201d\u00a0 I am beginning to overcome and these are the words of my testimony.<\/p>\n

Seeking The Still and Smiling with My Liver,<\/p>\n

Laura<\/p>\n

P.S. \u00a0Elizabeth Gilbert just released a new book called Big Magic<\/a>. \u00a0Please, oh, please read this book. \u00a0You have treasures inside, and the world desperately needs you to share.<\/p>\n

\"31days\"<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This series is not a tidy story of a fairy tale life. \u00a0It is\u00a0messy and truthful. \u00a0For 31 days, I will share pieces\u00a0of my journey, practical coping techniques for dealing with anxiety, spiritual insights,\u00a0emotional struggles, and a whole lot of other. \u00a0I will likely\u00a0\u00a0jump from here to there as the Spirit leads. \u00a0I invite you along\u00a0as\u00a0I share\u00a0my experience, my strength, and my hope. Thank you for being part of this journey with me. \u00a0Together, we shall seek the still.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This post is about the intersection of my life with a book two distinct times, more than five years apart, and a chasm of change between.\u00a0 I believe books choose us.\u00a0 \u00a0I can\u2019t explain in much greater detail that that, other than to say that books seem to show up in my life through various […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":53619,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"wds_primary_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-745","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-anxiety"],"yoast_head":"\nDay 3: How A Book Gave Me Strength To Share My Story - Seeking The Still with Dr. Laura Fleetwood<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/jfz.xeo.mybluehost.me\/website_e02ce2c0\/how-a-book-gave-me-the-strength-to-share-my-story\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Day 3: How A Book Gave Me Strength To Share My Story - 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